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Monthly Archives: April 2018

What We Really Want, and Why We Settle for Less

For many millenniums humans have been trying to figure out the secret to wellbeing. Various philosophies and numerous religions have arisen with answers, methods, and sophisticated programs said to be “the way” to this elusive goal.

Before we get too far, we need to put some definition around the term “wellbeing.” What does it mean to be well? Word-roots of wellness include nuances of wholeness, health, and self-actualization (i.e., fullness and fulfillment).

And when we add “being” to wellness, we seem to be contemplating a holistic mode of existence that is fully functional, multidimensional, and all-encompassing.

We have a tendency to confuse wellbeing with other, also positive, experiences or conditions that humans desire. Pleasure, happiness, and prosperity serve as powerful lures that advertisers use to attract prospective costumers.

The most effective commercials lace all three together in their product placement. A video of successful, sexy, and smiling fashion models in a new sports car is offering us the ‘vehicle’ to what we really want in life.

But it doesn’t bring us wellbeing. It can’t, for the simple reason that wellbeing has nothing to do with how wealthy, good-looking, or cheerful we happen to be. It’s not about what we own, how others see us, whether we can manage a positive outlook on things, or are fortunate to live a long life.

Although wellbeing is multidimensional and all-encompassing, I believe it can be defined, which I will attempt to do in this post.


My diagram depicts an organic (growing up from the ground) schedule of what humans really want – we can legitimately say, what we need in order to enjoy wellbeing. As is the case with all growing and developing lifeforms, earlier stages correspond to more basic needs, critical functions, and essential structures of our nature. As these needs are satisfied in some sufficient degree, the stage is set for the emergence of more complex traits and capabilities ‘higher up’.

In an ironic twist of fate, the exceptional complexity and unique capabilities of human beings are dependent for their timely emergence on those earliest conditions of life when we are utterly helpless and vulnerable.

Our vulnerability puts us at risk of distracted, inept, abusive, or inconsistent parenting, resulting in a nervous state of chronic anxiety instead of one where we are more calm, centered, and open to our surroundings. In my diagram I distinguish these two states as insecurity and security, respectively (written as ‘in/security’). In what follows, we will track the two alternative paths: one leading in the healthy direction of wellbeing, and the other in a neurotic direction to something else.

So, in addition to giving positive definition to what we really want, I will also explain why so many of us settle for something less.

Security

This term refers not only to the external conditions of life, but even more critically to the internal sense we have of reality as safe, supportive, and provident. When we were helpless newborns and very young children, our nervous system picked up on environmental cues to determine whether or not “the universe is friendly” (what Albert Einstein considered to be the most important question).

Besides regulating our body’s internal state, another of our brain’s primary functions is to match our internal state to the external conditions of our environment.

If we got the message that reality wasn’t provident, our nervous state was calibrated so as to maximize our chances of survival in an inhospitable universe. Hypervigilance, reactivity, and wariness over novelty or change were among the adaptive traits that would have improved our chances of survival.

Unfortunately, if this baseline anxious state was set early in life by chronic or traumatic exposure to harm, neglect, or deprivation, it is difficult to change later on, even when the threatening conditions are in the distant past and our present environment is actually benign and supportive.

Connection

When we have the assurance of a provident reality and are secure within ourselves, we are enabled to satisfy our need for connection. Humans are a social species, which means that by nature we thrive on intimacy and touch, empathy and trust, companionship and community. A calm and coherent nervous system grounded in a provident reality allows for the openness and creative freedom that healthy relationships require. Individuals connect out of their respective centers of identity, joining in mutual exchange and forging bonds of a common faith and shared understanding.

On the other hand, if we happen to carry within ourselves a deep insecurity regarding the nature of reality, our way of relating to others is very different. In early life we found therapy for our skittish nervous system by clinging to mother; she calmed us down and helped us feel safe. As the years went on and we eventually left home for the larger world, other individuals would fill her role in our life.

Because our sense of security – as well as our sense of identity – got wired into the presence and personality of someone else, we were unable to ‘stand on our own center’, but had to lean on (or cling to) them for the assurance we needed.

In Western psychology this is known as neurotic attachment; in Buddhism, just attachment (upādāna).

Significance

Meaning is not something we find in reality apart from human beings. We make meaning; or to use the more technical term, we construct it. And the context in which we construct meaning is known as culture. A flower, the moon, or even an historical event are intrinsically meaningless until our mind spins stories around them. In the social settings of culture, the process by which we engage in this co-construction of meaning is dialogue.

When we are secure within ourselves and feel the support of a provident reality, our connections with others are more healthy and stable. The meaning we construct together – which at the largest level constitutes our shared world – serves to reflect our curiosity and aspirations, clarify our values and beliefs, as well as orient us within the turning mystery of the Universe itself.

My single word for all of this is significance.

The root-word sign in ‘significance’ is suggestive of reference, of referring out to deeper, higher, larger, and farther-reaching horizons of being and time. Even if reality is perfectly meaningless (or indescribably perfect) in itself, human beings are possessed of the need to make it meaningful, and to make our lives meaningful by linking them (as signs) to our local, cultural, planetary, and cosmic settings.

And what if we are deeply insecure and neurotically attached? Well, then our mind is not lifted by curiosity into the profound and expansive wonder of it all, but instead collapses into certainty around a few ‘absolute truths’ that anchor our perspective in life and protect our attachments. As I see it, conviction – this condition where our mind is boxed and held hostage inside our beliefs – is the neurotic opposite of an intellectual curiosity that characterizes our species at its best.

The problem with such boxes of conviction, of course, is that they don’t let in the air or light our mind needs to grow.

Our beliefs quickly lose relevance and realism, which means that we must try all the harder to convince ourselves and others that they really matter. In other posts I have qualified conviction as the most destructive power in the Universe, seeing as how much death and damage have been committed in its name over the millenniums.

If we take an evolutionary view of things and regard human self-consciousness as the penultimate stage (just before the transpersonal leap into creative authority, higher wholeness, and genuine community), then the phenomenon of conviction – where we feel compelled to reject, excommunicate, or destroy whomever doesn’t agree with us – is a point where the Universe has turned suicidally upon itself.

In the full picture we have been developing here, wellbeing is a mode of existence where we are securely grounded in a provident reality, empathically connected to each other, and mutually engaged in creating a meaningful world that is big enough for all of us.

Be well.

 

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The Leaders We Need Now

Every age and generation has a need for capable leaders, for those who are able to see a bigger picture, understand what’s happening, and help the rest of us through the doors of necessary change. A leader is not always the one up front, with the loudest voice and getting all the attention. A true leader might not even be the one who was elected.

Go figure.

When I think about the kind of leaders we need today, three critical principles of leadership come to mind. Each principle corresponds to a dimension of our existence as human beings: (1) as individuals who (2) interact with others in (3) systems of various kinds and complexity. Not only effective leaders, but proficient human beings – that is to say, those who are skilled in the art and wisdom of being human – must learn how to manage and nurture the consilient unity of these three dimensions.

When we don’t (can’t or won’t) hold them in balance, we quickly succumb to frustration, disorientation, foolishness, and crazy-making dumbfuckery.

In this post I’ll lay out three critical principles of leadership that we sorely need today. Each principle is the sun-center to an orbiting set of values, which will only be mentioned but not explored in much detail here. I don’t believe there is a fixed number to each set of values, and we should allow for the way these principles get interpreted and play out in any given context. The principles themselves, however, are universally valid, and I would argue that no culture can flourish long or well without holding them as sacred commitments.

Let’s start with what should be obvious: We are all part of a turning mega-system of existence called the Universe. This universal system can be analyzed into smaller and deeper star systems, solar systems, and planetary ecosystems; into regional cultural systems, more local social systems, and family systems; into individual organisms and the internal subsystems that conspire in keeping them alive; and deeper still into the molecular, atomic, and nuclear systems of matter and energy.

As far as we know, nothing exists except as and within systems.

Stewardship

The principle that orients a set of values applying specifically to living as and in systems is stewardship. In the conventional sense, a steward has the responsibility of managing and caring for the resources of a household, which is a family system where several individuals live together in community. Stewards aren’t owners, and what they look after is not their personal property. Instead, we might say that a steward and everything he or she looks after belongs to the household.

As a kind of manager, a steward helps to sustain a healthy household economy and promote harmonious community among its inhabitants. This web of resources, interactions, and shared experience is a more local instance of what we commonly name the Web of Life – still another term for the Universe considered from the vantage of living things. To view human beings through the lens of stewardship – as many religious traditions have long done – is to regard them not as owners or externally positioned “masters of the universe,” but as members of this one magnificent household of life.

With our evolutionary grant of self-awareness and creative freedom, humans possess a unique ability in contemplating our place and role within, as well as our special responsibility to, our planetary home. As many myths suggest, coming into this responsibility as stewards follows a certain path – the archetypal Hero’s Journey – of separating from our source, establishing an individual center of identity (ego), and then releasing this hard-won identity for a deeper and larger experience of oneness.

Empathy

Whether leaders and the rest of us can lead and live by the principle of stewardship is dependent on the quality of connection we enjoy with others. If individuals have difficulty identifying themselves as partners in a system (the relationship itself), the cause is often rooted in a lack of empathy. When we cannot connect in deep and meaningful ways, the higher systems of our life together go unseen.

The best way I know of properly defining empathy is by comparing it to its sound-alike: sympathy. Literally ‘sympathy’ means “to suffer with” (or alongside) another, to be affected by their pain or misfortune. The different prefix “em” (or en) denotes a critical shift in position, from alongside to within. In other words, the individual transcends his or her separate identity – this time not outward to the larger system encompassing them both, but inward to a place of essential oneness prior to their differentiation as individuals.

By virtue of their identical natures as living, sentient, and self-conscious human beings, individuals are capable of an empathetic connection.

Our first experience of empathy was when we lived literally inside our mother and our developing nature drew its life from hers. Once we were born and officially began our own Hero’s Journey, the formation of a separate identity slowly (but at times dramatically: think of adolescence) pushed our self-center out and away from the source.

Even though we continued to carry within ourselves those deeper registers of sentient life, and with them at least the capacity for empathetic connection, the degree in which our ego formation got hooked into neurotic hangups made much of this natural capacity unavailable.

The leaders we need today are individuals who are grounded, centered, and open empathically to the experience of others. They are the ones who truly understand that we’re all in this together.

Integrity

This brings us to my third principle of leadership, which actually comes first in the evolutionary sequence and serves as the basis of human proficiency in a general sense. Integrity refers to a state whereby two or more elements hold together as one. In this case, psychosomatic integrity speaks to a unity of mind and body – or more accurately of soul and body, where ‘soul’ names our deep inner life rather than an immortal entity (the so-called true self or “real me”) residing in the body.

The integral balance of soul/mind and body is a growing fascination in psychology, which is coming to regard this balance as a key to understanding a large number of disorders, illnesses, and troubles afflicting our species. When early life experiences get us hooked into neurotic patterns of insecurity and defensiveness, mistrust and self-doubt, suspicion and resentment, our restless mind doesn’t let our body calm down and recover. Instead, our animal nature loses its resilience, succumbs to the stress, and even starts to attack itself.

The leaders we need today are individuals who successfully manage their psychosomatic integrity, who express strong interpersonal empathy with others, and who live in stewardship of the systems on which our lives, health, community, and human future depend.

When given the opportunity, let’s try to elect more of them.

 

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A Method of Dialogue, Final Step: Resolution

We’ve been digging into my Mentallurgy Method of Dialogue in order to understand its progression of steps or phases.

Preparation addresses the critical importance for each would-be partner to arrive at the table in the most resourceful state possible. Consideration begins to create the space where partners can search for common ground and clarify what they really want. Deliberation takes this desired outcome and weighs it against other factors that serve to refine and amplify its value.

The fourth and final step in creative dialogue is called RESOLUTION, which not only signifies a strategic achievement (i.e., achieving the goal partners set for themselves) but, even more importantly, a crucial breakthrough in their synergy together where they become a genuine community (communitas, together as one).

RESOLUTION isn’t necessarily a ‘last step’ in the sequence, therefore, since such breakthroughs (in higher degrees) are both the effect of earlier/deeper phases of transformation as well as the creative fuse for what’s still to come.

All along the way, then, and not just at the end. In a sense, Preparation, Consideration, and Deliberation each represents a resolution of its own, as it fuels and supports the larger process of community formation. In the back-and-forth, up-and-down flow of dialogue, partners experience a more satisfying and meaningful way of being together.

From the very beginning, as individuals are preparing themselves for creative engagement in the co-construction of meaning, RESOLUTION is already evident.

Becoming 100% present – that is, coming back to a grounded, centered, and open state of consciousness from our ‘normal’ condition of distracted attention – is what we might call existential resolution: the resolution of each individual to be fully present in the here-and-now.

Because creative dialogue and community formation name an organic process and not a mechanical procedure, self-transcendence is inherent to its dynamic. Each phase gathers and incorporates the deeper evolutionary achievement, establishes a new center of higher integrity, and prepares for the leap beyond to what’s next. This taking-up, re-centering, and going-beyond is the very essence of a living thing; we must remember that a community is alive and not merely ‘made up’ of living things.

Still, there is forward direction to the organic process. Each living thing carries within itself the ideal of its own future fulfillment, as the vibrant fruit-bearing apple tree sleeps inside the seed and gradually wakes into fuller self-actualization. In other posts I have argued for the deep equivalence of human fulfillment (or self-actualization) and genuine community, that human beings only come fully into themselves with the rise of community, just as genuine community is the consilient (leaping-together) effect of their fulfillment as individuals.

Creative dialogue is how this happens.

In my Introduction I made the point that creative dialogue is fundamentally different from a mere strategy meeting where committee members define a goal, design their plan, take assignments, and execute the steps to completion. A committee comes together for this purpose, and when its objective has been achieved there is no further reason for it to exist. A community, quite otherwise, may orient engagement around strategic objectives, but its deeper reason for being is as a transformer of consciousness, a convergence of creative intention, and a new way of being together as one.

RESOLUTION can be analyzed on each of these dimensions: consciousness, creativity, and communion. Pragmatically speaking, a committee has no real interest in any of them. According to the Mentallurgy Method of Dialogue we’ve been exploring, the resolution that partners seek necessarily includes them all, for in genuine community it’s never enough just to ‘get the work done’. Partners engage each other in this process with the aim of becoming more fully human and growing together as one.

Community is not just an evolutionary and mystical enterprise, however. In the earlier phases of creative dialogue partners do real pick-and-shovel work as they practice presence, search for common ground, clarify their desired outcome, and work out a strategy.

As an endeavor in the co-construction of meaning, dialogue involves much more than waiting on inspiration and its gratuitous flashes of insight. Identifying mutual interests and shared values, voicing perspectives and reflecting back what partners hear from each other, coming to agreement on a desired outcome and sharpening the signal by weighing the risk, the cost, and the work entailed in making it a reality – none of this is easy, or even fun for that matter.


All of this can seem manageable, and even exciting, unless our challenge has to do with resolving conflict. For partners who start the process of creative dialogue in a spirit of camaraderie, the work of co-constructing meaning and growing into community is more enjoyable, for the obvious reasons. But individuals who step (or perhaps feel dragged) into this process because their differences are not only threatening to undermine what they once had together, but to dissolve their hopes, their family, their property, their dignity, and their sanity along with it – well, they don’t feel very much like ‘partners’ at all.

It’s tempting to jump in where the fire is hottest and try to fix what’s wrong. But especially in such cases, the four steps of creative dialogue need to be taken in order. We don’t jump in to fix the problem; besides, opponents will most likely disagree on where (and with whom) the real problem lies anyway. Instead, each individual begins with PREPARATION by shifting to a more grounded, centered, and open state of being. The issue at the center of the fire can wait just a few minutes.

To become partners, individuals need to release their judgments, the baggage from their past, the storyline of their conflict, and even release the identities they have constructed for themselves around it.

I suspect that most – approaching all – of our disagreements and conflicts, rooted as they are in our differences, are capable of being resolved if only we can bring an inner peace to the table. The human spirit is creative, intelligent, playful, generous … and resilient.

When we take the time to let go of who we think we are and come back to the here-and-now, we will find the wellspring within, providing all we need to work things out.

 

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